The Watermelon Diet

All this because I couldn't fit into size Medium yoga pants at a snooty Pacific Heights fitness boutique?

I will be back making ragu and tagliarini again in a day or two, but meanwhile I would like to expound upon the glories of the crackpot watermelon diet, invented by me. It's a one-day diet endorsed by no medical experts. That is my official disclaimer; please don't sue. 

Here's how it works:

1. For one day you consume only coffee and watermelon. I have done it many times and swear by it. Watermelon keeps you full and time passes quickly, but only a big, sweet watermelon will do. I have cut into fruits that had no flavor and promptly went out and replaced them. Coffee -- once in the morning, once during the afternoon slump -- gives you optimism and stamina. Milk is permitted. 

2. Take a sleeping pill. This might be controversial, but it is, in my opinion, crucial. At 11 p.m. you might be tempted to break your watermelon fast with a slice of Italian fruitcake, a bowl of popcorn, a peanut butter sandwich. You can do this. All will not be lost. But better yet, swallow an Ambien and lie very still. Soon you will be too sleepy to walk to the kitchen.

3. You lose weight instantly. Some killjoys call it "water weight," but I call it motivational.

4. You feel amazing the next day. I can't explain this. See #3, but there's also something physiological. 

Ok, I probably can explain it. If you've been eating like a billy goat and drinking like F. Scott Fitzgerald, you're going to feel better as soon as you stop.

I've never stayed on the watermelon diet for more than one day, and I wouldn't recommend it. Basically, I'm of the portion-control school of dieting. But I find the 24-hour watermelon fast indispensable for breaking gluttonous patterns.

And if you are looking for incentive, I recommend finding an exclusive little yoga boutique in a rich neighborhood and trying on some pants. If you live in the Bay Area, I can even give you an address.