Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Tipsy Baker Shopping Expedition

That's not food!

No, it's not. But it's related.

In addition to baking fruitcakes, one of my favorite activities is exercising. So for Christmas my spouse bought me a gift certificate to a fancy little fitness/yoga boutique in San Francisco.

Given that I never buy new exercise clothes, I was rather excited. Today, I made my way to the petite shop where I gathered up a generous armful of pants and tank tops, all in size Medium. 

I do not know how to describe what happened in the dressing room. Hilarious? Sobering? Horror show?

The clothes were miniature. It was as if a buffalo had stumbled into a boutique for gazelles, a St. Bernard into a shop for whippets. It would not be quite accurate to say I am a size 4, but today I was wearing a size 4 skirt. I checked the label just to be sure. Yes. Size 4. It's a little snug, but I am definitely not a St. Bernard. More like a well-fed labrador retriever.

I stood there gazing silently into the mirror, shocked and perversely fascinated. How are normal people supposed to exercise if exercise shops only sell clothes for people who are already tiny? I briefly considered venturing out and gathering up everything in a size Large or X-Large but it was a small place, the hovering clerk was a young male, and I just sort of knew nothing here was going to work.

I really just need to get the money back and head to Target, or K-Mart. This shop was in a posh neighborhood and trudging back to my car, puzzled and disconsolate, I realized that most the women I passed really did resemble gazelles. Rich gazelles, with Botox, great hairdressers, and big, slouchy leather purses.

Needless to say, I also instantly began a diet. Since leaving the shop I have consumed only watermelon and coffee. I feel more gazelle-like already.

Speaking of labrador retrievers, I took Owen to see Marley & Me. Not as terrible as I had feared, but midway through the film there is a terrifying cameo by the once-svelte Kathleen Turner in the role of an obese dog trainer. 

I took that as another sign. 

Watermelon. Coffee. 


3 comments:

  1. first, eat watermelon & coffee until tomorrow 6pm so that you can enjoy the new years eve feast! i know, that's not what the professionals do, but maybe? and second- i know those stores, stay away from them. target, or better yet old navy, where you have to hunt among the size 10s for a 4 (not that i'd know) is a much happier place to shop.

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  2. So that's basically water and a diuretic. Exciting.

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